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Options 1290 to 1300
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When your spouse has a cold they don't blow their nose, they just let the snot flow out as it will
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Live as a monster
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Become a werecow
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All liquids taste unbearably disgusting to you, except whiskey
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Only eat hot-pockets for the rest of your life
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Boiling water teleports into your digestive system and entirely fills it. One second later it disappears.
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Every conversation you have ends awkwardly
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Nicholas Cage was god-emperor of the world
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Be servant to the poor
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Drink from the toilet bowl